Archive | January, 2015

A bully is mostly bull.

7 Jan

If you know anything about me, you know this, I’m crazy. Not crazy like “Woo, watch me go dance on top of the bar.” or crazy like, “I’m going to end this in a homicidal rampage”, but a kind if crazy that can’t ┬ábe restricted by routine. I feel less and less inclined to be any one thing for the rest of my life. I hate habit, I hate feeling like I am or will be one thing or do one job forever. If you know me, you know that my worst quality of all is that I am unpredictable. Completely. But more importantly, as I have gotten older I’ve developed less and less respect for people who use bullying and oppression to have their way. Bullying is not just in the school house, y’all. They be bullying everybody up in this life. But, I won’t stand for it.

Long story short, I’m leaving hospice.

I shocked myself too. It’s complicated, but unimportant.

I love this place, really. I love watching families find closure in death, patients dying with dignity, feeling like I’m honoring last wishes, providing support to the mourning, and mostly finding my self actualization, in that, we are all terminal. It’s true, we are all going to die. I have seen more people take their last breath than I ever imagined I would see in my whole lifetime. I’ve held their hands, and I’ve looked in from the outside. I know what the eyes look like when they don’t see surroundings anymore. I know what hands feel like when they are gripping a life stronger than their own. It’s hard to put into words all that I’ve seen in 7 months here. I look at my fellow nurses and nurse aides who have done this for 6 or 7 years and I am completely astounded by the strength of character and the soundness of mind and spirit. I wish I could fully express the level of compassion and empathy these women have for others. If anything has restored my faith in humanity, it has been the staff I have worked with. I have cried with them, I have hugged them and laughed at many inappropriate things with them. I’ve seen their tattoos, their families, their exhaustion and their hope that people are really, deep down, good.

Night shift is wonderful, but not wonderful for my family.

Hospice is wonderful, but taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally.

My co-workers are wonderful, but the high up are sucking me dry.

I must move on to something new. Something exciting. Something unpredictable.

I have so much more to say, and I will say it eventually.

Shine on you crazy diamonds.

xxx

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